The honest of "me"

As my previous blog entitled Finishing Strong, I think a lot bout my life and myself. Did I actually finishing strong or did I just finishing so-so or worst finishing of all, did I finished in failure? Come to think of it, I felt that I am finishing so-so. I mean as much as I had grown (so to say) I felt that I did not grown much spiritually. In fact, I felt that I am sort of like stagnant in spiritually. One thing is for sure. I do not know what is my path at the moment. I am still wondering, waiting to hear from God and as usual I can't really hear from God. I mean I need to know where I am heading to so that I can know where I am going.. Well I know we all moved by faith and I did that but my problem is move by faith to where and to do what.. I do not have any goals in life. No objectives though. No vision.. What I have is just the heart for God and I am still waiting for guidance from Him.
Honestly saying I am "blank" guy now.. Don't know what am I thinking oredi. A lot of time I thought, "is whatever things I say or write or blog actually correct?" I mean I do doubt a lot when God guided me. For one thing, I do not easily trust what ppl say though as much as I do not trust my own words that much as well. In fact I do have lotsa evil thoughts. And some even go further extreme. I am good in manipulating, controlling, telling lies, kutuking, being sarcastic, backstabbing, racists, sexism, egolistic, proud, perfectionist (at certain time), gossipping, slandering, rude, angry person etc etc.. You name, I somehow or rather got it as well.. Baiscally I am the devil and I am the angel. It's like one body with Lucifer and Gabriel.
Well somehow or rather, God changed me. He changed me from a person who likes to do bad things such as above to someone who started wanting to do good for God. I mean I am in the process of changing and yet throughout early this year till now, I still felt that I had not really grown. Actually I grown not enough. I felt that I do not have enough of Him. I want more but I felt my laziness conquers all.. And my tiredness destroys it all.. And now I am still wondering whether I should go back to Ipoh next year to work or stay back in PJ? Cause all of us can decide whether to go back next year or 2008. And I do not know what to do. One thing is for sure. If I were to stay here in PJ, I want to serve God in anything. In fact, I am looking forward to. Otherwise I shall go back to Ipoh. At least in Ipoh I know I can take care of my parent. And I can saved up money to buy cars or other necessary things in life. Perhaps even get a wife back in Ipoh. But as for PJ I do not know what to do. I am no longer in KDU Christian Fellowship. And as usual I am a hider. I hide from anything and everything. Not to say I am scared or what, just that I am used to do that oredi. In fact I felt I am too weird to show up myself to the world. *Whatever*
Anyway still thinking of whether to stay back in PJ or going back to Ipoh.. Hmm... Any suggestion? Still asking for guidance.. See how lah.. If God answers I shall blog it here.. =) God bless...