I need healing..

Today I had learnt a new thing in life. I mean I used to thought of it. But yeah.. Last week the topic was about Paul's thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment him (2 Corinthian 12:7). I kept on thinking about it. I mean what is this thorn in Paul's flesh actually is all about. And what actually a messenger of Satan can do to torment him. After all he is a human being and Satan cannot touch us. He can manipulate us. And a thought actually came into my mind.
First of all, what is thorn actually is? According to the Oxford Dictionary it meant a stiff, sharp-pointed woody projection on the stem or other part of a plant. Well for my own understanding, it can meant something that hurt us. I mean it is not necessarily physically but it can meant mentalily or even emotionally. In my point of view, what Paul was trying to say is that he was also human being. I mean a mortal human being that would die one day. He does do wrong things. He does know that he had temper, anger and bitter, just like the other normal human being. That, for my own opinion is his thorn. A thorn that the messenger of Satan was trying to torment him. He understands his own need in God. And because he knows his own need in God, he pleaded with God to take away his hurt and bitter and God (as we know His character) in His way, told him three times, that, "His Grace is sufficient for Paul, for His power is made perfect in weakness." (vs 9) And Paul's weakness (he did not really mentioned bout his weakness in the Bible but we all know he do have weaknesses) is to be used to glorify God and to shame the world and to turn ppl all the world to turn their eyes away from the world to God. And how in the world can the satan torment us? He presses the thorn deep even more and make our pain increased. I come to learn about this. When our finger were wounded by a thorn and this particular thorn is stucked in our finger, we will be hurt. After a while, it would not be so painful anymore. But if we ever moved our finger a little bit where the pain is very much in hurt, we will get the pain back. The same thing I believe is happening to Paul. I mean a lot of time satan is using our old hurt to make us wounded. Paul knows what is going on in his life but a lot of time he can't help it but to plead God to help him carry the pain away. And each time God would told him to relax and let Him do all the work. Because of that God's name is glorified each time we let out all our struggle and our thorn to Him to let Him settle cause He is the only One that can settle the problem for us.
Honestly saying, I may talk big when it comes to this point of my life. My thorn. But I would like to say that I am learning to let God does all the healing and I sit there and relax. Cause it was only through my thorn that God's name be glorified. I came to realised that I do have a lot of self issue that I need to settle with. Last time I was very good in lying to myself. Not just lying but more of manipulating myself to make myself feel good. And to add more burden to it, my ego is also helping my manipulation and lies became stronger. In fact, at some point of my life, I do think and believe that blogging bout my own pain and hurt is a package for me to become proud who I am even in the midst of negativeness. I mean for a lot of ppl, negativity is bad for them but for me, somehow or rather I felt good to be negative. It helps me become big. Become the focus on attention. As much as I dare not believe it, I do looking for attention. And satan is taking this chance to torment me with my thorn in my flesh.
So what I really want to say here is I want to change myself so that I can be God's glory and God's image. But I can't do it by myself. I do need help and help came from all of you. Without you all helping me, I guess that's the end of me. That I shall be possibly doomed to hell. And honestly saying I do not really like to share this to ppl cause of all the things, I am an egolistic person. But thanks to God, I want to change. To change to become a better person. To become a Godly person that I can be used to be source of blessing to the world. Thanks.
So with this I would like to end my blog by saying this: "If not because of God Himself doing something in my life, I wouldn't really want to change. In fact I would not want to because I rather I live with myself than with God. But because of God all things are change for His glory." Just like our beloved brother Paul the Apostle. He changed because he experience God. Not God experience him. Thanks.. God bless... =)