Lost of direction...

It had been pretty hard to go blogging nowadays. Well one of the reason was because my colleagues wanted to go for lunch outside the office. So somehow or rather I would need to tag along with them. I mean once or twice I can reject but not all the times. Actually my time of blogging is usually office time but during my lunch hour.
Talking bout yesterday's blog, well I need time to release my tension and one of the way is through this bloging bout how I felt over certain things. I was told by my land lady that I had not been very mixing well with friends my age and that is not good. Well I come to realise that as well. I mean she is saying the right thing and it had make me pondered. Ponder of what had I been doing throughout this whole half a years. I do not felt I had achieved anything that worth to be proud of. In fact, I paid extra RM950 for two of my CIMA papers which if I were to sat or at least attempt it in May I would not need to pay it once again for November exam. Thank God I got loan to pay for the two papers. Obviously the exam is not that easy. Easy to fail than pass. Well I do not want to comment further about CIMA anymore. Otherwise it would become a negative thought and God don't like negative thoughts. =(
Anyway I really want to achieve something for this year. At least there is something that I could gain and experience throughout this year. In fact the only thing that I got for this year is my job. I mean I had changed to from SEGi to this current new workplace which I had been working for 2 1/2 months oredi. But honestly the job does not satisfies my desires. The only satisfaction I got from this job is money. An increase of few hundred RM. But other than that, there is no satisfaction. =( Each time I come back from work, I would rather sleep or watch tv before I sleep. And it repeated by itself everyday non-stop.
In all my life, I wanted very much to share out what I felt about Christianity and about God and even about things in life. That's why I went for Bible Studies in Calvary Church and intend to study theology so that I could expanded my knowledge of God and learn to be wise in His glory and honour. But I felt that I had failed myself in that path. Cause for once, all the things that I share here is always the same. And I am always discouraged to know that I could not go beyond that. I mean what I know everybody knows it oredi. And perhaps they are even more advance in going towards that path than I do. I mean I felt that I am deteriorating spiritually while the rest are all growing. A lot of time I am amazed at how certain young believers grows very fast whereas I am still struggling in going towards that path. Nearly half chocked by the things of the world. Well I don't know lah. I am just hoping to be someone different than the rest. Wanting so much to be different for God. But it looks like I could not do it, not without God's hand moving with me. And guess what? I do not feel anything moving with me. I just felt empty. That's why my blogs nowadays are getting more and more dried up. And it's getting more and more bored. And now I am here self-pitying myself. Ain't that pathetic? Anyway I would rather keep quiet in real life than talking so much of things that does not benefits ppl surrounding me.
Anyway that would be all I shall write bout myself for today. Hopefully tomorrow I got new things to blog about. I mean positive things. Otherwise I would blog about the depressedness of me. So there goes my lunch time. 10 more minutes I shall be working again. Time flies and I need to do something that I shall be proud of. But I couldn't.. Any suggestion?? God bless...