Lonely

I am lonely. Well the three word "I am lonely" is not my usual word. I am an egolistic guy. I do not let the public knows bout my actual feelings of how lonely am I. But this blog is actually something deep within me that I wanna put away my egoness and share my feelings to the world. To be honest, I actually do not have life. I mean meaningful life. It had been within me since I was young. I am forced to live the way I am.
Well let me started by sharing how I felt in life. I am actually a sensitive guy. It was due to the way how I was treated when I was very young. I does whatever my parent, relative tells me what to do etc etc.. Everybody was more popular than me and more famous than me. I was so totally unloved. I do not mean friend's love or kai mui's love. What I am trying to say is that I am lonely. I do not have anybody who love me not just as friends or kai mui but beyond that. Yeah.. That is what I am trying to say. I am still single and I am aging. =(
Well I do not know what is this but then I felt that there is no girls out there who would be interested in going out with me. I am not handsome nor that I am rich. Even I am so sensitive that sometimes it puts ppl away from me. Well it is not my fault. I was just brought up that way and is that wrong? All the time when I talked bout me having girls going out with me was because it was either we were old classmates, or we were close friends enough that it won't work for us to go out together as a couple or either we are pet siblings. (kai jie or kai mui) How sad.. I am always wondering how come girls like bad guys and not a guy like me. I am not a nerd. Nor am I a loiter or a smoker or drinker. I am just the plain old Lik Ee that everybody would treat as brother or a friend. I do not mean those who are actually my real kai muis. Just those who are friends but we never called each other kai kor or kai mui.
Lately, I met a pen-pal from Malacca through letter writing. Well she is a year older than me. I do not want to mention names here and no embarrasing words but just that I wanna share things out from my heart. Well after a letter, she started smsing me. I guess a lot of ppl knows I do not sms ppl. I just call, that is if I can lah. Otherwise I would just leave it as it is. But then this girl smsed me four times when I do not answer her sms. Actually that time I was out of credit, if I am not mistaken. Then I top up and reply her. Well one thing is for sure. I top up not only because of her but also because of personal matters. But her replies are one of the reason why I top up as well. So I answer her back, telling her that it was because of her I top up and lose up money. (I lied a little bit but it is still half truth) Sorry. But then she answer me back scolding me not to blame her for me losing money toping up my credit. I felt that she need to take a little bit blame her since she keep on smsing me until I reply her. Of course, before that I had tried to call her as well using my office phone & public phone. Guess what happened? She not only never pick my phone up but she also hang on me when she actually picked the phone up. I mean come to that I felt that at least she answer the phone so that she can know who called her. Well she don't. And for the first time I got hanged by a pen-pal.
Then I ask her to call me back. And she actually did. Well out of sudden I called her old cause she is a year older than me. I mean that was my mistake. I admit it. And the next day, she smsed me, scolding me and kutuking me on sms. Guess what happen? I actually sms her to 'fuck off" on the sms. (Sorry Mun Yi.. I am not perfect.. I know my blog is very clean cut but that was my first time I ever scold a girl and a pen-pal "fuck off". She would smsed me few time and start asking unnecessary questions. And when I don't reply she would make noise.. I felt depressed receiving her sms. So there goes my pen-pal. She is the first pen-pal I quit writing to. Even in one of the earlier smses, she actually scold me for being so 'sarcastic' when she kept on smsing me when I got no credit. I admit I am sarcastic but nowadays I tend to be more quiet than being talkative. I mean I know my weapon to destruction is the words that I use. So I kept quiet. Even then she also harrased me. Trying to miss calling me two times yesterday so that it would stir my anger. Too bad it won't work.
Anyway in a lot of time, I felt that I am always being neglected. I felt that I am being used. When ppl got problem, ppl would call me. But when they got no problem I am there alone and all by myself. Like these few days, I am actually looking forward to met this girl. You all know who is the girl lah. She agreed to meet me up but then last minutes fong fei kei. Twice oredi. Sad lah.. =( And I do not know why in all my life, it is very hard for me get a girl friend. I do not look for a girl friend just because everybody is having one but rather I look for a girl friend because I am looking for my other half, wanting to share my life with her. A lot of girls I know would rather look for a rich, or handsome or charming guy. I had to admit I am no handsome guy nor am I rich. In fact I am stingy. I had to admit that. Life is tough. I guess that is one of the reason why I want to go back to Ipoh next year to work. I rejected the idea before because I felt that I am fully useful here and loved by ppl all around me. But I guess I am wrong. There is nothing that I can gain here in KL except loneliness. I mean I know everybody loved and care for me but then I want something more than that. I want to have a girl who would live with me and always stay by my side. But as I go back I felt that I am very much loved. My parent love me so much that they are willing to do everything for me and I want to take care of them. But in the other hand, I want my life partner. If anybody wants to think that I am desperate, okay.. I am desperate. So what? I am kinda jealous of what others have that I do not have. =(
Guess that's all for now.. Lazy to blog oredi.. Nite nite.. =)

Ps: What I share above is true sharing.. I am just as weak as others.. Not able to do lotsa thing. Only God can do what He wants us to do..