I fail again

I just received my CIMA exam 10 minutes ago via online. Guess what is the result? 12 marks over 100 marks. What the...?? I was expecting a better result over that stupid mark. I expect the result to be at least cross border 50% as passing marks. I have the confidence that I can do the question because I spotted one pass year question and a few question was kinda manageable by me one way or another. Guess what? I failed like no one's business. What kind of stupid fucking result is that? I mean 12 marks. I expect it to be at least better than this. Had been praying for God to help me in passing this paper. Instead I failed with such a mark.

I know I had not been doing well in my studies. Part of it is because I am taking up most of my time working putting less effort on studying. What to do. Work comes first. I want to become a better person but how I know this is what happen. I mean I am a teacher's son and this is how I embarrass my mom's name? I can't afford to do that. I can't accept that mark actually. It is way below my expectation. People always said don't expect much but do your best. What to do. My expectation is what make me confident. I guess I am still not confident enough seeing that I received such a result. Don't know what to say.

I actually wondered am I a stupid fool? I do not have much friends and all the sharing of mine are ignored. People took it for granted. How many people would actually listens to me when I speaks? It's like I am talking to myself all the time. That's why each time people ask me to lead the young believer, I would not want to do it. I mean how many people would come to me and listens to me. Even some leaders despise me. So what can I say? Most of the time I had to avoid others because a lot o them look down on me. People go out to spent and I can't cause I got nothing to spent. People got a lot of joke to tell, even a dirty one. But when I joke, people take it as boring conversation. In fact some of them take it as dirty joke even though it is not.

So I guess each time when I am having confident, I am trying to be a positive person. I do not know why people take it as me being a snobbish guy,a proud and arrogant guy to be exact. Am I wrong to have confident spirit and be a positive guy?

Anyway I guess that is all I can say bout myself. Hope by publishing this blog, more people can come to know me better as a person not as their being played person. Last but not least, I still love God even though I am facing such dilemma but why does it had to happen all the time? Can't it be that I received some blessing from Him once a while?