What the hell am I here for?

My mom just called this evening. Well I was told to go back to Ipoh starting from election day until a week later. Reason is because my dad is going for operation on 13th March. My mom met a Christian lady who told her to ask everybody in the family to meet up together to pray and encourage my dad during the operation season. It is by faith that he shall be alright. So the lady told her to actually keep on praying and keep on trusting God. For one thing, until now as I had mentioned quite a number of time, I do not know what to do. I am seriously blur over such situation. When you meet me do not think that I am alright although I look alright. My look is just like that, created by God but deep down inside me I am in deep shit. =(
Just after dinner with Mun Yee. Well for one thing, she is going back to Australia in few days time. I am really really really gonna miss that girl. She is still so dear to me. But what to do. Do not know whether I am going to sent her off or not? Just hope she will be alright. Do not know whether I have the chance to send her off to KLIA or not? Anyway don't know when can I see you again? Just wish you all the best la. I am seriously sad a lot of things has happened between me and you. Just hope that you will always remember me though, ok?
Well just wanna thank everybody who had prayed for me. I know I had not been a good friend to a lot of you. Too many unwanted things had happened to me until a lot of ppl have arguments with me. Have a lot of misunderstanding with me. I do not wish this will happen but it happnend. I am truly and very sorry if any of the things I had said and done hurt you all. I do not mean it. You can see how vulnerable am I right now? I hope that I could be saved. Saved by God. But I guess it is not easy cause I had been waiting for God to delivered me for the past 10 years and yet I am still thinking that I am still the same. Nothing much changed though. But whatever lah. Enough said. I just want to be quiet and hide among all my friends. One thing is for sure. I cannot forgive myself for all that happened. Yeah.. That is what I plan to say all these while. I cannot forgive myself for the things for the past few months since last year. In fact for the past 10 years. I just kept quiet or shall I say, hide it among all my other minor problems. For now it is either I am correct or others are correct. But since I had quieten myself up so much, I guess others are correct. Not me.
Ppl always ask this question. Why is it that I always quarrelled with other ppl? They guess it was because most of the time I do not listen and always thought that I am right. But I guess I am not right. In fact, most of the time, I am in the wrong and I do not like to admit it. Guess what happened now proves me right. I am at wrong all the time. Almost all the time. That is why now I am quiet most of the time. I learnt this lesson. If you have nothing good to say, then please don't say anything. I guess whoever said it to me last time was all the time correct. Why in the world I did not listen to them last time? Well now I regretted whatever I do. Regretted until I wanna give up anything. Nothing is anymore important. Life sucks.
Whatever lah. I need prayer.. I need encouragement......