I could not sleep....

It has been a bloody nite. That has been what the game mafia's host called if a normal person had been killed by a mafia. Well as for me this has been a bloody year for me. At least for the beginning of the year until now. I realised that I had grown much negatively this year compared to last year. I mean I had changed a lot but I guess I had not much changed. This is honest truth from me. I am very much confused bout what my life gonna be. What I will get at the end of the day. How I would be someone who can be used by God. How I would be God's living testimonies.
Well for one thing through this whole year (although it is just 2nd month of the year now and this are few, less than 5 fingers counted blog that I had actually written) , I am scared of facing challenges. I know I had been blogging the same things from last month till now. I know I had been a long-winded person who would blog bout his weaknesses more than his strong point of view. Well I also know that nothing good had been coming out of my life in this blog but I guess this is the place where ppl would actually get to know me deeper, of how I think, how I felt and how I understand things and putting faith in God. I mean how much deeper faith in God. I guess even if I am facing problems, I guess I am not going to share it out as much as I used to be rather than here. I felt that not many ppl would actually bother to listen to my problems. I know perhaps ppl would think that I am just looking for attention. Well perhaps yes and perhaps no. You judge. One thing is for sure. Life has not been good as it was last time. And I guess by saying so much not many ppl would listen. For one thing la, I am starting to show sign of weaknesses. A sign for some who would believe that it is good and for some it would mean bad. For me, I guess it is a sign of both good and bad. Good because I know I am in the right spot with the Lord which leads to the right path. Bad because as a guy who had a strong ego like me, it is hard and ashamed thing to admit that I am wrong. But what to do. Actually I am right. What to do? Seriously I do not know what to do. All I know is that I hate going through rough journey. A short term rough journey would be good but not a long term. And for me, it is truly embarrasing to admit it now when I approaches 30 in few years time. If I were to be mid or early twenties, then it does not matter at all. But when I nearly arrived 30, it is hard. I mean it is not the age issue here but rather it is my stronger ego issue here. But what the heck. God is in control. So I actually wondered what is going to be happen though? Tired to think. In fact I guess I think too much. Way too much...
Anyway lotsa crap blogging nowadays. For those of you who love to read crap blogs, do read more in future. For those of you who think this is a real crap, just forget bout it and read no more. I meant this blog for myself to complain, to nag at myself, to scold myself, to stab myself to realise things. Wonder does it work on me or not? In fact my main reason why I am blogging it now is because I could not sleep. I am staying overnight at a friend's house. I got a problem with myself now. I could not sleep in other ppl's house that well. I guess it is a habit though. Habit which is hard to change. That is why my blog also considered as a habit. Writing things I myself also could not understand. In fact it is long winded as well.. But what the heck.. I am writing myself to sleep. And I guess I am falling sleepy now. Blog to sleep. Get real.. =)
Anyway going to sleep now. Hope no one would come to me and stone me face to face for writing craps. God bless.. =)